I get that you are tired of hearing about me being sick. And I can tell you that I am absolutely fed up with it. It isn't fair that I should be so sick for so long.
Those of you who are lucky enough to endure the flu or seasonal allergies can't possibly imagine how hard it is to exist every single day when there is no end in sight....especially when you "look fine" for the most part.
On my worst days, I've taken selfie after selfie. I'm looking to see if my illness is noticeable. Can you see how I am dying on the inside?
Today was one of the worst days. My whole body ached and I was laying in my bed, sort of contorted to position myself on pillows to push against the severe pulsating pain in my abdomen. I finally felt no pain and in an attempt to stay completely still, I felt myself start to drool....I hadn't realized my mouth was open. I looked at the clock. I had 22 minutes until I had to start dinner. I watched the clock, giving myself a pep talk as I counted down the time. "When it says 4:00 you HAVE to get up and make dinner." It was my mantra. And I did it.
You see, even though I feel like death, I'm first and foremost a mom and a wife and I don't get "sick days" very often. Those are reserved for the days with the nauseating migraines, and the only reason I get to be off duty is because of my crying, wailing and hitting myself in the head with a hard covered book. I'm not being dramatic. This is real. This is my life.
I'm working on my third year in Texas and I've become increasingly ill with each passing day. Some have grown tired of my insistence when I "look fine" and insist it must all be in my head.
When I did the Emotion Code, the woman told me I had a trapped emotion and I felt like I didn't deserve to be well. That may be the case, but that is far from making it all up or inventing problems.
I don't need any more drama in my life. I have a son with autism and another teenage son, both of which I homeschool. I work in my church nursery with little one's ages 18 months to three years. I take my children to a church seminary class. My husband has a TBI, PTSD and is in chronic pain and cannot contribute to any household duties. Everything, from bills to laundry, is my responsibility. I try to contribute to the household income by babysitting and cleaning houses.
I'm not writing this to get pity. I'm writing this in my own defense, as it has come to my attention some people think all of my issues are in my head.
I wish they were. That seems like it would be an easy fix. Maybe hypnotism or something.
The plethora of symptoms I experience are very real and very debilitating. I can't even just eat food, One of the basics of survival, without some kind of reaction, pain or swelling.
Do you know what it's like to wake up and not be able to think? To REALLY struggle to just get your thoughts? And you keep thinking, ok....this will pass....I will snap out of it....but pretty soon it's noon and you've barely been coherent. Can you tell anyone? No one gets it and they think it can't possibly be that bad...or how could you homeschool?
"Why don't you go to the doctor?" Like they would know just what to do, right? When I did have insurance, they couldn't find anything. Now, my husband's company is small enough they don't have to legally offer insurance and we make too much money for any assistance.
I have tried so many things. I have tried SO MANY THINGS. Things are expensive.
In the end, it doesn't really matter what I'm doing or not doing or what you think I should be doing or shouldn't be doing. Please, please.....stop judging me and thinking you know me and what I'm going through. I am sick and just because I'm not actually in the hospital, doesn't mean I probably shouldn't be. Or that I must be fine, or I'm dramatic. By the pure grace of God I get up each morning and once in a while I have a decent day where I feel a little better. By God's grace I can still take care of my family.
Just please....please stop thinking you know me and you know what I'm going through. I will never tell you to your face how awful I feel or that I can't handle it....but on the inside I wonder if I'll make it through the day.
Show some compassion.
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