Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Trust Issues

Our little kitten is growing fast.  He is about three months old now and as mischievous as ever.  A few weeks ago, he started wanted to cuddle up to us at bedtime.  He waits for the house to get quiet and he scales the bed with expert ease and gingerly walks up to my pillow, purring all the while.  Oh how I want to cuddle and kiss this sweet little rambunctious kitten.  Obsidian rubs his face across my face over and over again with a constant purr.  It is hard not to melt into his cuddles.  After a short minute he bites me.  More than a nibble…enough to really give you a start.  I stop and say, “no no, kitty” and l let him rub his face against mine….in a few seconds he bites me again.  I move him away from me gently saying ‘no’ and cover my head with the blanket.

After a few nights of this routine, we started to shut him out of the bedroom.  We couldn’t trust him not to bite us.

The joke in the house is, “This cat has given me trust issues.”

It wasn’t so funny when I realized it wasn’t the cat.  I have severe trust issues, because like this kitten, I have someone in my life who catches me off guard and “bites”.  Not in a literal sense, but an emotional one.  I never know when it’s going to happen…I’m just certain that it will.                                                                 

 When Obsidian rubs his face against yours, your whole body tenses up, fearful for what is coming.  You can’t relax and really enjoy the cuddles, because you know at any moment you will feel pain.  And telling a kitty “no” is little less than a waste of breath.  He pays you no mind, unlike a puppy you scold to stop chewing the furniture.  Puppies feel bad they disappointed you.  Cats just wait to do what they want when you aren’t looking.

I’ve realized I live in a state of constant fear.  And it’s not even physical…but mental and emotional.  I never know when the other shoe will drop and when my world is going to come crashing down.  There’s big stuff, and there’s small stuff….but no matter the anger, the tears, the lectures the threats…..it’s always easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.  I’ll do what I want now and just deal with it when she finds out. 

Trying to explain how that feels….how you can feel so alone and helpless and unloved when someone disregards your feelings in such a way…..I don’t know how to put it into words…but the bottom line is It Sucks!

What kind of person has no empathy?  Sometimes I think I’m dealing with a personality disorder.  But I keep on.  Every day. 

Sometimes I cry and cry thinking about how much it hurts.  Sometimes I’m numb.

How much longer will it last?  When can I be free from the fear?  I don’t think I will ever completely trust a person ever again.  I’m broken on the inside. 

How much time will I need to heal if I am ever free?  Will I ever fully heal?

I’m so tired.   I just want to have someone to trust.