Tuesday, November 8, 2016

What is a typical American family doing on the eve of the most scandelous election in history?

Today might be one of those moments in history....you know, where the world is forever changed and so people remember the mundane things you were doing at that exact moment "it" happened.

In a few short hours, the craziest election in the history of the United States will be complete.  The country is divided and some have promised riots and violence if the candidate chosen is unfavorable.  Others have simply vowed to leave the country.  It's a time of unknown.  Reminds me somewhat of the uncertainty of December 1999 when Y2K was all anyone talked about and what everyone worried about.  The collapse of our banking system.  Seems almost laughable now.  You mean we  were worried about the banks?  Seems pretty trivial in comparison.

Tonight I sit typing this as I sit on a heating pad on my broken bed as my kid's gluten free and dairy free pizza cooks in the oven.  It's an easy dinner night, as my back has kept me mostly immobile today.  My house looks like it has imploded, with the contents of my desk overflowing onto the floor, looking like at any moment I could be swallowed alive by it's tide.  From the living room I hear my husband's video game at the usual volume of "loud enough to wake the dead".  It makes for interesting living arrangements when one as myself enjoys the calm and silence, while my significant other hasn't been able to hear well since the war.

I wonder if we are a typical American family.

Unfortunately, I think so.

My husband is a physically disabled vet, with PTSD.  He continues to work full-time so I can homeschool and take care of my adult son with autism.

My chronic health issues, which made me "The Greenbean Girl" for a year, throw a monkey wrench in all I have to accomplish each day, due to my overwhelming family needs along with my very demanding religious obligations.

My life is busy.  And stressful.  But I think most Americans could swap out a comparable thing or two about my life and be in the same boat.

The SS "How do  I make it through today?"

And here we all sit, on the eve of the biggest election, and think....how can I possibly handle life getting worse.

That is not to say I don't count my blessings or that I think I have a terrible life or the worst life.  Not at all.

I just don't know if I can handle more.  More struggles, more trials....

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Being Grateful is Not the Same as Being Happy

I've always thought of myself as a pretty grateful person.  Autism has given me a unique perspective of what is truly important in life and disregards things that don't matter in the long run. 
However, it occurred to me this morning, that despite "counting my blessings", I couldn't use the word "happy" to describe myself.  Words like, "worried", "frustrated", "busy", "scattered" are a much better fit.  So why can't I be happy?

I've seen the "Happiness Is a Choice" memes, and I always thought of it as an obvious yet necessary statement to people who had everything but chose to be unsatisfied.  Today it takes on a new  meaning for me.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Just because I don't "look sick" doesn't mean it's all in my head

I really need to change the synopsis of this blog.  As far as using what I've learned from healing autism to heal myself?  I guess if you count the fact that I'm not dead.  Then, maybe that still applies.  However, the fact is, I am...right now in this moment...probably the sickest I have ever been.

I get that you are tired of hearing about me being sick.  And I can tell you that I am absolutely fed up with it.  It isn't fair that I should be so sick for so long. 

Those of you who are lucky enough to endure the flu or seasonal allergies can't possibly imagine how hard it is to exist every single day when there is no end in sight....especially when you "look fine" for the most part.

On my worst days, I've taken selfie after selfie. I'm looking to see if my illness is noticeable.  Can you see how I am dying on the inside?

Today was one of the worst days.  My whole body ached and I was laying in my bed, sort of contorted to position myself on pillows to push against the severe pulsating pain in my abdomen.  I finally felt no pain and in an attempt to stay completely still, I felt myself start to drool....I hadn't realized my mouth was open.  I looked at the clock.  I had 22 minutes until I had to start dinner.  I watched the clock, giving myself a pep talk as I counted down the time.  "When it says 4:00 you HAVE to get up and make dinner."  It was my mantra.  And I did it.

You see, even though I feel like death, I'm first and foremost a mom and a wife and I don't get "sick days" very often.  Those are reserved for the days with the nauseating migraines, and the only reason I get to be off duty is because of my crying, wailing and hitting myself in the head with a hard covered book.   I'm not being dramatic.  This is real.  This is my life.

I'm working on my third year in Texas and I've become increasingly ill with each passing day.  Some have grown tired of my insistence when I "look fine" and insist it must all be in my head.

When I did the Emotion Code, the woman told me I had a trapped emotion and I felt like I didn't deserve to be well.   That may be the case, but that is far from making it all up or inventing problems.

I don't need any more drama in my life.  I have a son with autism and another teenage son, both of which I homeschool.  I work in my church nursery with little one's ages 18 months to three years.  I take my children to a church seminary class.  My husband has a TBI, PTSD and is in chronic pain and cannot contribute to any household duties. Everything, from bills to laundry, is my responsibility.  I try to contribute to the household income by babysitting and cleaning houses.

I'm not writing this to get pity.  I'm writing this in my own defense, as it has come to my attention some people think all of my issues are in my head.

I wish they were.  That seems like it would be an easy fix.  Maybe hypnotism or something.

The plethora of symptoms I experience are very real and very debilitating.  I can't even just eat food,  One of the basics of survival, without some kind of reaction, pain or swelling.

Do you know what it's like to wake up and not be able to think?  To REALLY struggle to just get your thoughts?  And you keep thinking, ok....this will pass....I will snap out of it....but pretty soon it's noon and you've barely been coherent.  Can you tell anyone?  No one gets it and they think it can't possibly be that bad...or how could you homeschool?

"Why don't you go to the doctor?"  Like they would know just what to do, right?  When I did have insurance, they couldn't find anything.  Now, my husband's company is small enough they don't have to legally offer insurance and we make too much money for any assistance.

I have tried so many things.  I have tried SO MANY THINGS.  Things are expensive.

In the end, it doesn't really matter what I'm doing or not doing or what you think I should be doing or shouldn't be doing. Please, please.....stop judging me and thinking you know me and what I'm going through.  I am sick and just because I'm not actually in the hospital, doesn't mean I probably shouldn't be.  Or that I must be fine, or I'm dramatic.  By the pure grace of God I get up each morning and once in a while I have a decent day where I feel a little better.  By God's grace I can still take care of my family. 

Just please....please stop thinking you know me and you know what I'm going through.  I will never tell you to your face how awful I feel or that I can't handle it....but on the inside I wonder if I'll make it through the day.

Show some compassion.

Just because I don't enjoy running, doesn't mean I'm lazy

Running is the "it" thing.  Everyone wants to run a 5K and there is a marathon for just about every organization and cause on the planet.

You're not cool, unless you run a 5K.

And if you are lucky enough to have the bragging rights of a half-marathon, WELL.....just. wait. until you can look down your noses at all of us when you run your first real marathon!

In all seriousness, there are lots of people who run daily and participate in these events who are not judgmental.  In fact, my sister in law is one of those avid runner show offs with the cute running attire and perfectly fitted expensive shoes holding a medal  or wearing a sash.  She loves it.  It's her "thing" and I applaud her for it.  I really do.  I am in awe.

But there are people I have encountered who make you feel like a worthless pile of crap if the idea of running for FUN isn't exactly appealing to you.

Just because I don't want to run, doesn't make me lazy. 

It's just not my idea of fun.  Getting up early.  Braving the weather...rain or shine...hot or cold.  Did I mention the sweating?  This is the opposite of fun for me.

I really enjoy musicals and theater.  My husband despises them.  He doesn't understand how singing in the middle of a show adds anything to it except noise.  Is he uneducated? Does that make him a complete loser? (ummm....that's a loaded question....I digress)

I am tired of being judged because I don't enjoy running or hiking or playing football or soccer.  Not everyone is particularly coordinated to do these things.

Should I be active to stay healthy?  Of course. But if I choose to walk on the treadmill, why should I be made to feel inferior?

What many people don't realize is how debilitating allergies can be fore some people.  Being outside is not enjoyable when your asthma and/or allergies kick in and make you sick and miserable for days.  Maybe that sounds like an excuse, but until you've walked in my shoes, please don't judge my lack of trudging about in the wilderness.

I enjoy different forms of exercise like swimming and dancing. 

All the name calling, back biting and superiority is what keeps women from being able to be good friends to each other.  We need to seriously take a look at our perception of others, and think about how we would feel in their shoes.  Not everyone has to have the same "likes" to be of value.  Not everyone who doesn't run for fun is a fat lazy loser.  And it definitely doesn't make you better than me.