Saturday, December 19, 2015

An Evening Reflection

It's been 8 months since I've written.

I have a lot on my mind tonight....and a functioning computer.

At different moments in my life, I have stopped with serious pondering, to consider the idea of repeating mistakes. Do I keep making the same mistake over and over, setting myself up for failure?
Am I repeating my parents mistakes in some sort of crazy cosmic karma....a loop in time destined to repeat for eternity.

My mom wanted me to take the road of life that she wished she had.  Even now, I wonder if she still isn't disappointed that I did not become a successful career woman earning a six figure income.  Loving me and nurturing me as a young child was in a way to encourage the future she so desperately wanted.

Those memories of disappointment remain fresh in my mind, even though I am doing the most important work of my life. 

I don't want my son making the same mistakes I have, either.  Every night in my prayers, I ask God to make him stronger and wiser so he doesn't have to suffer the way I have.

If he doesn't, will I spend the rest of my life in constant disappointment? Or will I be proud of him regardless?

Eerie similarities. 

As much as my mother wanted me not to repeat her mistakes, I have fought just as hard to do the same.  Yet tonight, I find myself in the situation I have been running from my whole life.

Is my son going to spend his life trying to avoid making the mistakes I did?  Will it consume his everyday thoughts?

Giving up is not in my nature.  What I "used to be" and "used to do" are phrases that haunt me.  I need to be that person NOW.  I need to find her and get her back in the game of life. Being a "good mom"/ "good wife"/ has to be consistent throughout one's life.  So many excuses plague me. 

Enough is enough.

Let me off this spiral.