Sunday, November 17, 2013

Am I up for the waiting game?

A Sunday morning when I could sleep in, I am wide awake at 7 a.m..... the remnants of the night's dream still fresh in my mind.

It was an odd  dream... most people would brush it off without a second thought.

I was at a strange funeral for a "grandfather".  There were over a hundred people gathered to solemnly pay their respects, but instead, the familiar faces from my past were all preoccupied with a decision I had made, that had nothing to do with the funeral.

Apparently, soon after moving to this new city, my right hand had been cut off.  I decided to reattach it.  It was sore, and wasn't working quite right, but I had confidence that given time to heal, my hand would be able to function well enough to write, type, carry things etc....even if it wasn't perfect, the job would get done.

Conversations continued as I made my way around the crowded funeral.  People couldn't believe I had chosen to get my hand re-attached. 

"You should have your stump in a sling and learn to use your left hand to write.  People do it all the time."
"Aren't you worried about infection?'
"Your hand will never function like it did before."
And so on.

Weird, right?

But as I think about it, this is really a parable for my whole adult life.
I have always been questioned about my choices....that in my mind....seem like a perfectly rational decision.

I mean, if you could save your hand.....why wouldn't you?  Why wouldn't you spend the time, money and effort if it meant you could keep your hand?

I spent a lot of my life focused on "doing the right thing"....being a "good parent" and a "good person" by societies standards.   I always followed the rules....often times not thinking for myself the overall picture.  Just going by what I believed would keep myself and my family safe.  There was a false sense of security in that kind of thought.

I started to realize from experiences that when I had questions, they didn't have the answers, so If I wanted answers, I had to start finding them myself.  You one else  was really looking out for me or my family.  It changed my perspective on life.

I went back to using my gut to guide me in my decisions.  I used prayer and guidance from the holy spirit so I could feel confident in my decisions.

Have I always done the right thing?  No.  I am definitely not perfect. 

What really shocks me is how many people make judgements on other people's decisions without knowing all the facts.  Actually, I'm not shocked people make snap judgements, I guess I'm more shocked at the fact they voice them to the person they are judging and that the judgements don't make any sense.

I'm the weird one that people don't understand.  Most often times, I make a terrible first impression.  I am not good socially.  I hate small talk.  I find it very awkward.  Once I get to know someone, I feel comfortable and conversation flows easily.  I am honest and loyal.  I make decisions that other people don't understand, but the people who know me best...who have heard me explain my thought process....are always supportive.

Society doesn't think I should have gotten married at 18.  They think I should have given my baby up for adoption for a better life. 

Society doesn't understand why I would pay tithes and offerings to my church when the cost of autism is so great.

Church members can't comprehend why I would home school my children.

Others see us living on low-income and question the choice I made to be home with my children instead of working full-time.

And I'm sure if I had biomedical-diet-intervention based friends with children with autism (that weren't on Facebook)  they would have opinions too about if I'm doing enough of the right things, too.
I hope not.

I try to keep myself away from the Facebook world, as I am busy with many responsibilities that should be a priority.  It is such a different world from the real one I live in.

I don't stand on the street everyday with a picket sign warning people of vaccines.  Most people I see in my daily life have no idea of my views, which I would think are the most controversial of them all....and yet I get the most opposition from my daily life practices that seem very rational to me.

On facebook, I post articles I believe to be true, inspirational and life-changing.  Many friends and colleagues choose not to see what I post because of it...but at least that is a passive way to disagree. 
In my real day to day life in the community, I get lots of loaded questions, confused looks and lack of support.

Like....Why would you have your hand sewn back on? 

Makes perfect sense to me....but I guess I'm alone in that logic.....just like everything else.

Diet?  How can you deprive your kids of food? How can you afford it? 

Vitamins and Supplements?  Those aren't necessary.  They are a waste of time and money.  If they just ate healthier, you wouldn't need them.

Biomedical Doctor?  Why don't you just get insurance so the doctor is affordable? 

Homeschooling?  What about social skills?  Don't your kids miss having friends?  Aren't they going to college?   Doesn't your son need special education services?

In the end....does any of this change my mind?  No.  I'm still going to do what I believe is right for my family, no matter who objects. 
It just kind of sucks, not to be supported, even in a casual strangers or acquaintances...
Even faking interest and understanding is better than a preconceived notion of the situation.

It took me at least four years for people to "get me" the last time I moved.  Things could be worse here, for sure.....I feel guilty about complaining.  

I have a hard time getting past things that don't make sense.  I can't understand people not being supportive of growth and happiness.

Life is strange.  People are strange.

So for now, I will continue on...each day...without a single face-to-face person that "gets" me. 

I'll give you an update in 2017.