By Definition

I was participating in a church youth activity yesterday, when the teacher asked if everyone would just tell a little bit about themselves.

Kids usually say the easy stuff...what they like to do in their free time...or talents like playing an instrument. Easy.

One girl started with the statement that her parents were divorced. It was easy to gather this girl was intelligent, and had a fun out-going personality. She was creative and inventive. Yet, she chose to define herself...in her opening statement....that her parents were divorced.

I identified with this young lady, as I thought about how my parents divorce seemed to define me for so many years. It is easy to assume this is because of how devastating it can be for all when a family unit is broken. It is always a tender wound in our hearts hidden in the back of our minds.

I always hated being asked to tell about myself as a teenager and I imagine I started off many of my introductions the same way.

Moving to a new area where people don't know you, really makes you think about introductions, because you will be doing a lot of them. At random moments at the grocery store, or every Sunday at church when you meet someone for the first time, there is an introduction.

I have a feeling that people want to know about you in a nutshell. They want to know one piece of interesting information so that they can remember you, or sometimes, as I find more common in the south, they are just making conversation to pass the time. They hope for something interesting to come out of meeting someone new.

Meeting people is tough for me. I don't know what they expect from me. Making eye contact is difficult, and I tend to obsess the whole time if I am looking to long at their eyes....have they blinked, have I blinked....did I look away too often? What are their intentions on speaking to me? Do they want something from me? What are their perceptions of me? Do they like me? Do they think I am poor, uneducated, strange...? My mind is running a mile a minute and it may take quite some time before I replay the encounter in my head and realize exactly what the conversation was about.

I'm odd...I know...check out the previous post ;)

So, when I think about all the introductions I have to do, I become even more anxious and overwhelmed. What is the key point I want to convey to someone about myself?

What would be most comfortable for me is to start at birth...give a life story....of every experience I had in my life I considered significant and life-changing...and an explanation of why I am the way I am and why my life is the way it is. I somehow feel that if everyone knew my story, they would not be so quick to judge.

Giving each person you meet a transcript of your life is not an option, and if you tried to express this in casual conversation, not only do you seem strange, but completely self involved.

I think back to when I was a teenager, and the fact that my parents were divorced defined me.

After I got married, I covered up the fact I was married, had a baby and graduated High School all in the same year, by talking about my husband's job in the Army.

Being a military wife defined me, and suited me well. People believed I was strong, smart and independent. It also masked the fact I was the parent of a child with Autism. At that time, no one really knew what to say to that....except maybe "sorry"....which I didn't want to hear anyway.

When Josh was medically discharged from the Army, I felt lost again. I moved again to a new place with a sea of introduction possibilities awaiting me. I was no longer an Army Wife and that pride was no longer mine.

So, I was the mom with an autistic child, and still nobody had a clue what that meant. So, I became an expert on explaining it.

The years went by, and I defined myself by my charity service at church. That felt good. It felt normal. It didn't need a long explanation followed by blank stares and glances towards the exit.

When I started doing substitute work for the school district with autistic students, it became apparent that this was where I belonged. I didn't care how strange, odd or peculiar I seemed with my interactions with the children. I sure didn't stop talking about autism or the interventions I used to help relieve some of my son's symptoms .

To my surprise, I started being defined by my co-workers and community. I was asked to stay on as a long-term substitute, for a year and a half until they had the position they wanted for me available. When seniority would have cut me from the building where they sent all the autistic children K-3, they kept me anyway, causing much animosity. When it was time for a challenging child to move to a new school, they went against protocol and sent me with him. Parents requested me at IEP meetings. Parents went to the school board to have me with their child until graduation.

I know the gifts I have to help autistic children come from God. I know I would never have known this path in life had he not had a plan for me to have an autistic child. I do not brag in my abilities to care for them....there is a point to why I bring this up.

I think making introductions are difficult for me again, as I start out in a new community, because I finally had a definition that didn't need explaining. It took the pressure off. That is who I was, and I was proud to be able to help so many children and grateful for the opportunity to do so.

Moving here and choosing to home school meant giving up that definition. The "occupation" blanks on forms seem to haunt me....who am I?

Who am I then, if not a military wife? If I'm not a paraprofessional?

My new introductions have been, "Hi, I'm Meadow and we home school." Mostly because when my son is around...and he usually is....I don't like to have autism be HIS definition, so I don't talk about it in front of him.

Why am I not satisfied with this explanation of who I am? Is it not an honorable thing to do with my time?

The anxiety has fought it's way back into the forefront of my mind...what do they think about that? Do they think I'm a bad mother? Do they wonder if I"m smart enough? Do they think I'm lazy? Are they afraid my kid's aren't going to learn or have social skills?

What I want to say is, "Hi....I'm Meadow. I'm a Mother Warrior. I gave up my career....something I was really really good at.....because I needed to focus on the health and well-being of myself and my children first. I know that seems selfish....especially to those I left behind....but my job first and foremost in this life is to be the absolute best mother I can possibly be. My children need the tools to be successful in life and I am the best person to teach them to them. For this choice, I will not apologize to anyone. Right now....at this moment....it is what I believe is best."


Will I have the guts to say this? I'm pretty sure they are still going to think I'm nuts.

So....until that day....I'm looking for a hobby. Preferably one I can fake, because I will really be spending my time on immunology and interventions......one that will sound interesting and impressive after my name. Any ideas??

("Hi, I'm Meadow....I enjoy spelunking." Did I even spell that right??)