Our little kitten is growing fast. He is about three months old now and as mischievous
as ever. A few weeks ago, he started
wanted to cuddle up to us at bedtime. He
waits for the house to get quiet and he scales the bed with expert ease and
gingerly walks up to my pillow, purring all the while. Oh how I want to cuddle and kiss this sweet
little rambunctious kitten. Obsidian
rubs his face across my face over and over again with a constant purr. It is hard not to melt into his cuddles. After a short minute he bites me. More than a nibble…enough to really give you
a start. I stop and say, “no no, kitty”
and l let him rub his face against mine….in a few seconds he bites me again. I move him away from me gently saying ‘no’
and cover my head with the blanket.
After a few nights of this routine, we started to shut him
out of the bedroom. We couldn’t trust
him not to bite us.
The joke in the house is, “This cat has given me trust
issues.”
It wasn’t so funny when I realized it wasn’t the cat. I have severe trust issues, because like this
kitten, I have someone in my life who catches me off guard and “bites”. Not in a literal sense, but an emotional
one. I never know when it’s going to
happen…I’m just certain that it will.
When Obsidian rubs
his face against yours, your whole body tenses up, fearful for what is
coming. You can’t relax and really enjoy
the cuddles, because you know at any moment you will feel pain. And telling a kitty “no” is little less than
a waste of breath. He pays you no mind,
unlike a puppy you scold to stop chewing the furniture. Puppies feel bad they disappointed you. Cats just wait to do what they want when you
aren’t looking.
I’ve realized I live in a state of constant fear. And it’s not even physical…but mental and
emotional. I never know when the other
shoe will drop and when my world is going to come crashing down. There’s big stuff, and there’s small stuff….but
no matter the anger, the tears, the lectures the threats…..it’s always easier
to ask for forgiveness than permission. I’ll do what I want now and just deal with it
when she finds out.
Trying to explain how that feels….how you can feel so alone
and helpless and unloved when someone disregards your feelings in such a way…..I
don’t know how to put it into words…but the bottom line is It Sucks!
What kind of person has no empathy? Sometimes I think I’m dealing with a
personality disorder. But I keep
on. Every day.
Sometimes I cry and cry thinking about how much it
hurts. Sometimes I’m numb.
How much longer will it last? When can I be free from the fear? I don’t think I will ever completely trust a
person ever again. I’m broken on the
inside.
How much time will I need to heal if I am ever free? Will I ever fully heal?
I’m so tired. I just
want to have someone to trust.
